Weird Al Yankovic - Albuquerque lyrics

Album: Running With Scissors (1999)

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs
In the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry´s Bait Shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell
And everything was just peachy
Except of course for the undeniable fact
That every single morning my mother
Would make me a big ol´ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin´! It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom, I said
Hey, mom, what´s up with all the sauerkraut
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me
Like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me & she said
It is good for you
And then she tied me to the wall
And stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut
Till I was 26 & a half yeahrs old

That is when I swore that someday
Someday I´d get outta that basement
And travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining
And he air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners & the lepers
Play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street
Will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yea

Well, let me tell you, people
It wasn´t long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day
A local radio station had this contest to see
Who could correctly guess the number of molecules
In Leonard Nimoy´s butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That is right, a 1st class, one-way ticket

To Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Oh yea
You know
I would never been on a real airplane before
And I´ve got to tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between
Two large Albanian women
With excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me
Kept throwin´ up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out
Of Dr. Pepper & salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yea, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin & crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball & everybody died
Except for me, you know why

´Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin´ wreckage
I crawled on my hands & knees for three full days
Draggin´ along my big leather suitcase
And my garment bag & my tenor saxophone
And my 12-pound bowlin´ ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup
Right out of the ashtrays if you want to
It is OK, they are clean.

Well, I checked into my room, & I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I am just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my
Pillow that I love so very, very much
When suddenly theres a knock on the door
Well, now, who could that be?

I say, Who is it? No answer
Who is it? Theres no answer
Who is it!? They are not sayin´ anything
So finally, I go over & I open the door
And just as I suspected
It is some big, fat hermaphrodite
With a flock of seagulls haircut, & only one nostril
Oh, man, I hate it when I am right

So, anyway, he bursts into my room
And he grabs my lucky snorkel, & I am like
Hey, you can not have that
That snorkel´s been just like a snorkel to me

And he has like, Tough!
And I am like, Give it!
And he has like, Make me!
And I am like, ´kay!
So I grabbed his leg & he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear
And he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix
And he gave a colonic irrigation, yes indeed
You better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all
The phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty 2nds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I will tell ya what it said!

It said, If you would like to make a call
Please hang up & try again.
If you need help, hang up & then dial your operator
If you would like to make a call, please hang up & try again
If you need help, hang up & then dial your operator

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Well, to cut a long story short
He got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then & there
That I´d not rest, I´d not sleep for an instant
Till the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice.

But 1st, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car & I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says Yea, what do ya want?
I said You got any glazed donuts?
He said No, we are outta glazed donuts
I said Well, you got any jelly donuts?
He said No, we are outta jelly donuts
I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?
He said No, we are outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts
I said You got any cinnamon rolls?
He said No, we are outta cinnamon rolls
I said You got any apple fritters?
He said No, we are outta apple fritters
I said You got any bear claws?
He said Wait a minute, I will go check
No, we are outta bear claws
I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do you´ve?
He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said okay I will take that
So he hands me the box
And I open up the lid
And the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face
And start bitin´ me all over
Oh, man, they were just goin´ nuts
They were tearin´ me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin´ through my head
I believe it went a little somethin´ like this:

DOH! Get em off me! Get em off me
Ohhh! No, get em off, get em off
Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get em off me
Oh, oh God! Ah
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh

I ran out into the street
With these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin´ my arms all around & just runnin´
Runnin´, runnin´, runnin´ like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would´ve it
That is exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast
With a slight overbite
And hair the color of strained peaches
I will never forget the very 1st thing she said to me
She said, Hey, you have got weasels on your face

That is when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together
We bathed together
We even shared the same piece
Of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married
And we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel & Superfly
Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yea.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said, Sweetie pumpkin?
Do you want to join the Columbia Record Club?
I said, Woah!
Hold on now, baby!
I am just not ready for that kind of a commitment!

So we broke up, & I never saw her again
But that is just the way things go

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Anyway, things really started lookin´ up for me
Because about a week later
I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That is right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler
I even made employee of the month
After I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yea, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin´ a lot of attitude

OK, like one time
I was out in the parkin´ lot
Tryin´ to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty
Tryin´ to carry a big ol´ sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I-I say to him, I say
Hey, you want me to help you with that?
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes & goes, No
I want you to cut off my arms & legs with a chainsaw!
So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me.
He has like, Hey, man
I was just being sarcastic
Well, that is just great
How was I supposed to know that
I am not a mind reader, for cryin´ out loud
Besides, now he has got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy
So what´s he complaining about

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street
And he tells me he´sn´t had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he has yelling & screaming & bleeding all over
And I am like, hey, c´mon
Don´tcha get it
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk
Bleeding & screaming, Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!
You know
Completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can´t take a joke, you know

Anyway, um...um...where was I
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway
I-I know it is kind of a roundabout way of saying it
But, I guess the whole point I am tryin´ to make here´s
I hate sauerkraut!

That is all I am really tryin´ to say. And, by the way
If one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing & self-doubt
And wracked with the pain
And isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing
That somewhere out there
In this crazy ol´ mixed-up universe of ours
Theres still a little place, called Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*

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