Pain - Seven-Inch Cowboy lyrics

I am a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns.
Five´ll get you ten,
I betcha never seen one.
Well I am a seven inch cowboy
How do you be?
And I am used to people gawking & a-staring at me
But I wasn´t always so gol-darned wee
Let me tell you my story,
You can listen for free.

For seven long yeahrs,
Now that is a yeahr for every inch I stand
I have traveled small & lonely down the byways of this giant land
Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
I am at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top.
I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
And every town I come to´s like a terrible dream
The other cowboys mocked me & spit tobacco like meteors
Watching me dodge ‘em & laughing at my small squeaky scream
I went to a saloon to get a drink
They´dn´t serve me
They stuffed me in a glass & slid me up & down the bar
And all the barroom women gathered round & had their way with me
They sang a song both cold & mean
‘Cause that is how women are,
They sang,

“A man can pan for gold & strike it rich & be a millionaire
Or ride the rodeo & be the best one at it anywhere.
Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
Size is all that counts, & there you´re.”

And I am a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Five´ll get you ten
I bet you never seen one

(Yodeling)

Now as you can imagine, I would grown pretty bitter
(Although that is the only way in which I had grown)
And in that 7th yeahr I finally found my transgressor,
The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I would ever known.
The mad Professor Mentley was his name & I drew near
I hopped upon his shoulder & I grabbed him by the ear
I held my little pistols up & I told ‘im, “Look a-here!
You made me this way, it is time you pay, you gol-darned queer!”
And the professor said, “Wait! Wait!
Now you know me, & I know you
And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
It is less like a pastime & more like a job
Why if I did not do it, I would be an unemployed slob
Now I know that won´t suffice if I am to set you at ease
But I am thinking as fast as I can for a man who has down on his knees
And just this passing moment I had a thought, here is what I thunk, I thought,
‘Where would you be today if you hadn´t´ve shrunk?´
Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men,
Nothing to set you apart nor would there ever have been
Then I came along, yes ME, Professor Mentley!
I gave you a gift! (though you weren´t grateful evidently)
I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique
You are a seven-inch cowboy, not a six foot freak.
From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
Nations will bow & throw their riches before you
You will be diminutive in stature, but a titan inside
Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side.”

Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared
And I wondered if perhaps he only said ‘em ‘cause he was scared
My guns were weighin´ heavy in my hands, my heart was low
When suddenly some old advice came to me soft & slow:

Well my pop told me it don´t matter where a fella goes
You can sail through icy straights & misty archipelagoes.
Travel to the moon, orbit every star
Size don´t really count & there you´re.

And I am a seven-inch cowboy (seven inches tall)
With a tiny pair of six guns (That is mighty damn small)
Five´ll get you ten (For all you bettin´ men)
You will never see another one (yea!)
I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway
Theres never been a gentleman like me & that´s safe to say
Well, I have thought real long & hard, so hard my brain is numb
Now I say Hollywood (Hollywood!), Hollywood (Hollywood!)
Hollywood here I come!

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